Dreams of Fantasy, Echoes of Reality

She sat in one of the wingback chairs in the large bay window. The chair was turned around to face the chaos outside. A storm of epic proportions raged outside the window. The black thunderclouds had rolled in about two hours ago. A fierce wind was blowing through, bending trees nearly parallel to the ground. It whipped up branches and debris, throwing it all over the tidy yard. The rain was coming down so hard it was difficult to see. The boom of thunder rattled the windows. The flash of lightning was the only light she could see by.

The electricity had gone out about an hour ago. Right about the time she had run out of Coke for her drinks. Not that that had stopped her. Lightning split the sky outside, highlighting her sharp features for a brief moment. Her eyes shifted down from the spectacle outside as the light also glinted off the ring on her finger; the finger on her left hand; the hand that desperately gripped the shot glass as she filled it again. She tossed back the fiery liquid. She couldn't even taste it anymore.

'What idiot shoots Crown, in the dark, during a raging storm.' She thought.

It wasn't doing its job. The liquor was supposed to make her forget. She looked sightlessly back out the window. She didn't see the storm howling around her home. She saw the fury of another storm instead.

*************

She could still feel the rocking of the boat under her. The waves had crashed relentlessly into the small vessel she and her husband had rented for their anniversary outing. Mark had always wanted to go deep-sea fishing. She had planned the whole thing and surprised him with the trip for their third anniversary.

It was supposed to be a wonderful celebration of their life together. Mother nature had other plans. The trip had started out well, but Mark decided that he wanted to stay out longer than planned. The captain readily agreed to the extra day. No one took into account the weather. The storm rolled in quickly and suddenly they were dealing with rough seas. Mark had to prove how macho he was by trying to help the crew. He wouldn't listen when she pleaded with him to come down to their cabin and let the experts handle the storm.

A huge waved crashed across the deck and Mark hadn't tied himself off properly. He was swept overboard into the storm. Search and rescue crews looked in vain for over a week for any sign of him. In the end, she had to face the reality of life without her husband, her soul mate. The sea was a harsh mistress and had claimed him for her own. The decision to stay out longer to make her husband happy had, in the end, destroyed her life.

For four years she had been coming to terms with her loss. Four years of anger, grief, and depression. The past six months had been the turning point for her. She had finally taken her eyes off the past and begun to focus on her future. It had been a long, bitter and lonely struggle, but she had made it through to the other side. She was a stronger person for it.

She had her life back. Her future was looking happy again. At least, that was what she had thought until tonight. She had come home to find a manila envelope in her mailbox. There was no return address. No way for her to identify who had sent the envelope, just her name and address and a post mark from Miami, Florida. Curious, she had tossed her purse and keys onto the kitchen table and grabbed a knife to open it. What was inside had changed her life, again.

A cryptic note was paper clipped to a picture that looked like it might be some kind of beach scene.

'This picture was taken last week in Aruba.'

That was it. Nothing else. Frowning, she had removed the paper clip and discovered a single photograph. It was a picture of a happy family on the beach in Aruba. A little boy about two years old was in the man's left arm, while his right was wrapped around a woman who was smiling adoringly at the two of them. The little boy was the spitting image of his daddy. Right down to Mark's piercing blue eyes and beautiful dimples. There was no doubt that this man was Mark. He was in a swimsuit and her shocked mind registered the appendicitis scar on his abdomen and the small birthmark on his shoulder.

***************

Another bolt of lightning briefly illuminated the dark room. Next to the nearly empty bottle of Crown rested the photograph. She stared at it. Pouring herself another shot, she never took her eyes from the photo. She couldn't even begin to discern the turmoil of emotions she was feeling.

As the lightning outside showed her Mark's face again, she muttered. "The alcohol isn't working."

Through the numbness and shock she was overwhelmed with despair. She had never seen Mark looking so happy.


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This is my entry for LJ Idol: S9 Week 11. This week’s topic was “Recency Bias”.

Have you ever had something happen and you see a meme later that you realize was made for you? Only, you wish it wasn't.

Wednesday evening June 11th, 2008, a huge thunderstorm blew in while I was sitting in front of my computer.  I had decided the storm was bad enough I should turn off the computer.  Just as I logged out, there was a huge flash and loud pop above my head.  My thought was, the house had just been struck by lightning.  I jumped up and discovered the lights were out in half the house.  I could also hear an alarm going off.  It sounded like someone’s car alarm outside.

My husband met me near the front door.  It took about thirty seconds, but we finally realized the alarm was coming from our house.  We have a security system that the previous owners had installed.  We had never activated the system nor used it for any reason.  So, there were the two of us trying to figure out how to turn that damn thing off.  It was loud and making the dogs crazy. We ran over to the fuse box and reset the breaker that was out. We had lights again. However, within another minute, we lost power to the whole house.

Ned decided to pop up into the attic and see if he could turn the alarm off from there.  That is when he smelled smoke.  I called 911 to be on the safe side.  He jumped out of the attic and ran around the outside of the house looking for any fire.  He didn’t find anything. I was just finishing my call with 911 when he popped his head back into the attic.  He was only halfway up the ladder when he saw the fire in the insulation. The smoldering spark had turned into a raging blaze in the back end of the attic.

At that point, we dropped everything, grabbed the dogs and got out.  I remember that about the time he yelled there was a fire was when the smoke started to come down through the vents.  The smoke literally chased us out of the house.  We threw the dogs into the car and moved it down the street.  We each ran to a separate neighbor’s house to warn them.  At that point, we could hear the fire trucks on their way.  

So, there we were, barefoot in the pouring rain on a Wednesday evening in June watching our house burn.  A lightning strike sparked our furnace and caused a fire in the insulation of our attic. Most of the roof was gone.  We walked away that night with the clothes on our backs, the dogs and our car. 

After the fire, Ned and I sat back and reassessed some things in our lives.  He was making enough that I decided I could quit my job and finish college.  So, two weeks after the fire, I gave my employer notice. It was a decision that ended up being a huge relief. The lowered stress levels were one of the major benefits.

I gave my notice on a Monday. That Thursday night, I discovered something else.  I was pregnant with our first child.  I had become pregnant just before our house fire. It was a lot to deal with in one month.  My husband did say to me that at least the news kept getting better.  I remember feeling overwhelmed for a bit.  Not really more than a couple of hours.

There was nothing for us to do but soldier on. We repeated a mantra that helped us. It’s just stuff. Sure, it was our stuff, but stuff can be replaced. Lives could not. We were lucky.


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This is my entry for LJ Idol: S9 Week 9. This week’s topic was “Keep calm and end this meme”.

I am a 38 year old, 280 lb., out of shape woman and I can’t believe I said yes to this. I am nervous about this first class.

“Alright, we’re going to start with twenty five jumping jacks.”

“Yes, sir!”

Jumping jacks, I can handle that. Except, I forgot to buy a sports bra. I am jumping around in front of all these men without a sports bra. What was I thinking. How could I have forgotten that essential piece of equipment.

“Now, twenty push ups.”

“Yes, sir!” We respond with enthusiasm.

Six months ago, I probably couldn’t have done one. The fits and spurts of training through medical problems and injuries has helped some. I can do ten.

“Let’s move on to forward lunges. How about 15?”

“Yes, sir!”

I am starting to wonder if I can keep up. I remind myself that I don’t need to keep up, I just need to do my best. Our instructor progresses through the warm up. We do several stretches, we run with high knees, we sprint across the studio and back. It all becomes a never ending blur.

When the warm up is done, I am panting heavily. I feel like I could keel over right there. I suspect the instructor took it a little easy on the warm up for my benefit. I need water desperately, but it is all the way across the room and the instructor is speaking again. I look at the clock and realize we are only ten minutes into class. I am able to catch my breath before we move on.

“We’re going to practice our hook and side kicks tonight.”

“Yes, sir!”

I have my breath back and my excitement is coming back. He is good at explaining how to do things and I am picking up the kicks easily. He expects a pretty fast pace and I am keeping up well. I am becoming comfortable with the drills.

“We’re going to add a jump.”

“Yes, sir!”

I’ve got this. The jump isn’t too bad and I’ve figured out the mechanics of the kicks. I am just trying to make them consistent.

“We’re going to do a spinning back kick next.”

“Yes, sir!” I smile to show my now waning enthusiasm.

We are spinning now and I am having trouble with my balance. I am beginning to feel worn out. I am wondering how long we’ve been doing this? The clock shows another twenty five minutes left in class. The spins are throwing me. I can’t seem to get the technique right that lets me get all the way around.

“Next, we are going to do a spinning back again, but this time we will add a jump before the kick. So, spinning back jump kick, ready?”

“Yes, sir.”

The instructor laughs when he sees my face. I am pretty sure enthusiasm is no longer a part of my facial expression. We work on the drills. I feel like he has nearly killed me when class is finally over.

“Did we have fun?”

“Yes, sir!”

“Did we learn something?”

“Yes, sir!”

I am already feeling every muscle in back. The spinning did me in. I still can’t believe I have signed up for Karate classes.

“How was your first class?” the instructor asks me.

“Awesome!”

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This is my entry for LJ Idol: S9 Week 8. This week’s topic was “Yes, and”.

If a police officer asks you to pretend to still be friendly with the person who stole your checks and cashed two of them, you will discover whether or not you are a world class actress. You have to be good to smile and laugh with a woman who has betrayed your trust and friendship.

I became my own detective after discovering there were two fraudulent checks paid out of my account. I identified five missing checks from three different check books. I went to the bank to find out exactly when and where the checks had been cashed. I then went to the store and asked them to show me the video of that day and time. I watched as my neighbor and good friend of two years handed my check to the cashier for her cigarettes. I handed the evidence to the police officer that fateful Friday morning.

He hoped to get her to come in on her own and speak to him. That is when I realized he wanted me to act like nothing was wrong, if I could. I am pretty sure I went from good to world class that day. I tried avoiding her, but she was persistent in coming over to discuss the latest gossip. My mother in law was there to see my performance. When the officer asked her to come in and talk to him about fraud, I led her astray. ‘ He must have a question about your finances and the investigation you have going with your accounts’ I said. ‘Of course I mentioned it to him, you told me it was probably the same person who stole your money last month.’ She was panicked, I put her at ease. I deserved an Oscar.

Later, that day after some back and forth between her and the officer, he finally told her over the phone that we knew it was her and she needed to come in and speak with him. I received a panicked text message. It read something like:

‘I didn’t do this, please your dog was dying and you gave me a check that one day to get you some food and stuff. You didn’t want to leave him. I gave you the receipts. If you had told me that these were the checks you were talking about I would have reminded you. I would never do this to you.’

I read the message and laughed. I called the officer. ‘I have a text message to send you. We have admission of guilt.’



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This is my entry for LJ Idol: S9 Week 5. This week’s topic was “Build A Better Mousetrap”. These events happened a year and a half ago. They were the inspiration for the thought process of last weeks entry.

Just this side of seedy, the theater had seen better days. There were rich velvet curtains, worn and faded with age. All of the once beautiful details of the place were cracked and peeling, the gild long gone.

‘Atmosphere, we have it.’ Meg thought.

The cost to rent the place for a single day, to hold the auditions they needed, had been outrageous. She looked around the small, dilapidated auditorium as she waited for the last applicant to take the stage. Kerry, her partner in crime, was sitting next to her fiddling with her tablet again.

“Would you put down your crossword puzzle and pay attention.” Med sighed. “People are auditioning here.”

“I’m paying attention! Besides, it was scrabble.” Kerry put the tablet down as she looked over at Meg. “The couple that came on together were decent. She’s good. The guy could use a little furbish.”

“Furbish?”

“What? I thought it fit well. Ok, fine, a little spit and polish and he might work out. How’s that?”

“You know that this is the reason people find you annoying right?”

“Yes, but they venerate me anyway.”

“You’re killing me.” Meg rolled her eyes. “Pay attention. This next one looks promising. He’s definitely got the look we want.”

“Sure, if you like the look of a coxcomb.”

Meg gave her a frustrated look.

“What you think I should have called him a dandy?”

Meg focused on the man on the stage as she tried to ignore Kerry.

“Damn, he’s awful. Everyone would be laughing at us, not with us. I think I’m leaning toward the couple.” Meg said.

“There’s a word for that!”

“A word for what?”

“For how bad that last audition was.”

“I know I will regret this, but what is it?”

“Hell if I remember. I say go with the couple also.”

Meg watched in disbelief as Kerry grabbed her things, jumped up and quickly left the auditorium. She slowly dropped her head into her hands as she felt the start of a headache coming on. It was going to be a long season.

……………………

This is my entry for LJ Idol: S9 Week 1. This week’s topic was Jayus. Jayus is Indonesian slang for someone who tells a joke so unfunny you can't help laughing.

The last season of therealljidol and signups have begun.

I am in! You should be too.

1. Reply to this post and I will pick five of your icons.
2. Make a post (including the meme info) and talk about the icons I chose.
3. Other people can then comment to you and make their own posts.
4. This will create a never-ending cycle of icon glee.

Chosen by firesign10: (I commented on her meme and she chose 5 of my icons to explain. Comment here if you would like me to do the same for you.)

I was looking for images for fire. I ended up stumbling across this leaf and I loved the picture. Obviously, not a fire. However, the colors were. The beautiful autumn colors really pop framed by the thick black lines. Fall is my favorite time of year.

If I remember right, I found this icon the first time I signed up for LJ Idol in 2008. We were displaced and discombobulated by the fire. The thought of having to write on my hands because I couldn't find paper just captured the feeling of the time. I intended to use it for my entries about writing.

I love the inner workings of this watch and how it is fading into the shadows. I have always loved pocket watches, which this reminded me of.

This was my very first icon. I used it for the first couple of years I had my LJ. I created the journal in 2003. Mercedes Lackey & Larry Dixon's The Black Gryphon was one of my favorite books way back when. My husband had chosen a blue dragon for his icon and the gryphon spoke to me at the time.

I am and always have been a very horse crazy person. I realized I had no horse icons a few years ago and I went looking. Buckskins have been dear to my heart since I was a teenager. Buckskins are a color of horse that run from a tan to gold colored coat with black points (mane, tail, and lower legs). My best friend and I spent several years building a fantasy world through the telling of stories to each other. We had a very detailed world. Kajel, was the name of my character in our stories. She had a buckskin horse named Shadowsdawn. I found this beautiful horse and I was good to go.

I've enjoyed going back and remembering why I chose these icons.

...and it may be a little boring. We did our traditional Christmas on New Year's day with two other couples. We just buy gifts for the kids. We each have two…lol. I hosted this year. We had a really great time. The kids didn't get to bed until almost 9:30, an hour late. Ned and I were to bed by 10:30. Today is the first day in two weeks that everyone is back to work and preschool.

This morning was chaos and I am feeling completely exhausted. I didn't sleep well last night. I would love to take a nap on the couch, but I don't see that happening. It will be nice getting back to a regular routine again. Christmas in New York was really nice. I am pretty sure that next year my kids are going to think Christmas should last a week. It felt like that this year. lol

Now that the holidays are over, I need to get back into a rhythm with writing. I have a colonoscopy scheduled for monday and I don't think it will be feeling normal around here until after that. I have things to do, but I may just go curl up on the couch and crochet. Sounds like a plan.

How about I leave you all with some pictures from Christmas!

( Pictures )

We spent the day at the Renaissance Festival here in North Carolina. My feet are killing me. Slow strolling for over six hours is not the exercise I am looking for. It was a really nice day, but you get a whole new experience with small children in tow. We all had a lot of fun. The kids should sleep really well tonight. We wore them out. We wore me out to.

So, remember that whole 'my best friend's fiance, now my husband' comment from earlier this week. I wrote about it here:

The Edge is Dangerous

I ended up making it my entry for pen_edit_repeat this week. Luckily, my brain started working again so I could write something. My week got better. We found out the couple that we D&D with are moving to Michigan tomorrow. It was a quick decision on Monday after a job offer. I am happy for them as they are quite a bit younger than us and their lives are starting to take off well. We will miss them and having someone to RP with, but it sounds like this will be really good for them. We spent the day today with friends that we haven't seen in over three years. They only live an hour and a half away. I find that very sad. We had a great time.

The exercise is going in fits and spurts. I will say, I have done a consistent 4-5 days a weeks. Just different days then I am usually planning on. I have lost 10 lbs. You should have seen my happy dance this morning when I realized that. lol I may have blown it after today...but oh well. Actually, we didn't eat horribly. I had my chili in a cornbread bowl and later in the afternoon, we had root beer floats. Other than that, just a lot of water and walking. For only being 75 degrees today I was melting in the heat. Seriously, I thought it was at least mid eighties. Must have been the humidity.

Alright all, I am going to end this and work on relaxing before sleeping. I am one tired woman.

My plan was to run Nicky to pre-school, hit the grocery store for some different sized manila envelopes to mail school pictures to family, then come home write an I am alive entry here, then work on my entry for the writing challenge that is due tonight. Plans are not working out today. Well, maybe they are. I did items 1 and 2 and am working on 3. I still have to code/do all the things as halfshellvenus would say. It's just, I got a phone call a couple of minutes ago. My Dad's cell. Even before I answered, I knew this couldn't be good.

Mom is in ICU. After doing so well after her mastectomy and all the stuff she is going through with the expander and whatnot, she has developed a massive infection. She wasn't feeling well yesterday. Had a fever and chills, so they called the Dr. He said ER now. She was admitted late last night.

So, I still need to 'do' all the things, but my head isn't in the game right now. This isn't the post I was planning to write this morning.

I do want to share the picture that was taken of the kids at school. The company that did the school pictures did a picture of Nicky, a picture of Katey and then a picture of them together. The together one turned out so good.



My babies are growing up too fast. I should write more things. All the new friends that I added would probably like some more info about me. I will try to do that this weekend. Happy Friday everyone.